Football Forum | Ticket Forum | Off-Topic Forum | All

young woody 12:25 Wed Sep 27
Worst one night stand!

Come on then what's your stories SONS

Joe C 8:23 Fri Sep 29
Re: Worst one night stand!

First job in the city, there was a saffa bird there, bit plump but not massive. We'd been working on a project for a while and there was some, what I thought was, flirty banter going on.

Turned out she wanted more than flirting.

I wasn't particularly interested, until one night when the crafty cow picked her moment superbly - i.e, I was pissed.

Had been out for work drinks for my birthday, place near Minories where you had to go downstairs (Charlie's maybe?), and had had quite a few. She said, and I quote (as this is the first of four things from that night that are burned into my memory forever for the reasons to follow), "If you come home with me, I'll give you a birthday you'll never forget"

We were in a cab within moments.

Once in her flat she's on me and, to her credit, gives me a pretty incredible blowy and a tit wank.

But it doesn't end there. Oh no. She still wants more.

That's when she says a second thing that's burned into my memory forever - "You stay there, I'm going to slip into something"

She comes back in a full, crotch-less, body stocking. It is not a good look. She's bulging through all the lattices in the material. That's when the third thing that's burned into my memory forever happened - the first thing that crossed my mind was "She looks like a whale caught in a net!"

I no longer wanted to be there, but, to her credit again, she went to work on my old chap and he was soon ready to go, so I got on with the deed.

It took ages.

The sobering up moment was when I was going at her from behind, looking at this big arse trying to seep out through this body stocking. To this day I still don't know how I finished.

But finish I did and collapsed on the bed, which is when the fourth thing burned into my memory forever occurs - she takes the body stocking off and is laid there covered in these angry, red, criss-cross lines that have cut in to her. It was like they'd been tattooed on. Had a couple of hours sleep (as I was, quite literally, fucked) and they were still there when I woke up...

As soon as it was light, I made my excuses and left (she was talking about spending the weekend together etc) and did the 3 mile walk of shame home.

So yeah, it was a birthday I'll never forget - but not for the reasons, I assume, she imagined.

Oh, and it caused massive issues at work because she basically fell in love with me and wanted a relationship and I wasn't interested (every time I saw her I just pictured those red lattice marks too). She had a full on meltdown in the office when she found out I'd gone home with another girl from there a few month later. That's when my boss had the "Don't shit on your own doorstep" conversation with me.

Good times!

Aalborg Hammer 7:31 Fri Sep 29
Re: Worst one night stand!

One mate met a tidy MILF who ,while he was in the throes of orgasm during a BJ,inserted a well manicured finger up his jacksie - he was so surprised,he sat up and hit his head on the shelf above the bed .One of her false nails was left up his balloon knot too

delboy 1:51 Fri Sep 29
Re: Worst one night stand!

still has to be the one where my mate had batman jump out of the wardrobe and chase him down the stairs going nananana

chim chim cha boo 3:50 Thu Sep 28
Re: Worst one night stand!

My pal Wayne is a bit of a hippy and went camping on the beaches of Greece. He fell in with a load of others who look like the cunts you see on holiday and want to beat up. You know the type, dreadlocks on white boys, tie-dye shit, beads and sandals. The kind of cunts who sneer at you for staying in a five star hotel while they 'experience' the world.

Anyway there's some cunting Israeli with a guitar singing around a campfire, everyone's getting pissed on wretched retzina and Wayne notices the Israeli sneak off with a chubby Australian girl. To his dismay he realises they are berthed up in a tent that's right next to his.

Eventually he goes to his tent to try and sleep and he hears them going at it hammer and tongs. There are screams of 'OOOOHHHH AAAHHHH, YES, YES, YES!' and all sorts.

He said to me 'I'm not joking, this pair were going for it for fucking HOURS and it really gave me the hump because I felt a bit sick and there was no way I could get to kip with that noise going on.

Anyway, after what he said was about three hours the Australian girl must have got the hump too as she said in a really loud, Aussie accent 'JESUS CHRIST MATE- HAVEN'T YOU FUCKING SLIMED YET?'

Stay classy Australia.

Jimbo333 1:54 Thu Sep 28
Re: Worst one night stand!

Not a one night stand as such. She was a "fuck buddy" who I had been shagging for a couple of months.
Anyway, she was a fat bird. We was getting down to it and had a 69. She got a bit over excited, and sat up a bit and put pretty much all of her weight on my face!
Very quickly I was struggling for breath! I genuinely feared for my life! I started slapping her arse to try and alert her to the fact that I was dying, but I think she thought I was just spanking her out of enjoyment.
After what seemed like an eternity, I somehow mustered enough energy to roll the fat mess off of me.

Needless to say I carried on ploughing it after I got my breath back!

young woody 1:35 Thu Sep 28
Re: Worst one night stand!

So superb stories

Troy McClure 1:16 Thu Sep 28
Re: Worst one night stand!

I think so, Soldo old son

Mate was like - thats why she slept with you. She couldnt see.

Northern Sold 12:13 Thu Sep 28
Re: Worst one night stand!

Troy... did you shag Olive off On the Buses....

Troy McClure 12:11 Thu Sep 28
Re: Worst one night stand!

Australia 2002

Me and mate pulled these London girls (all out there travelling). We were all staying in the same hostel. She has a bunk up in my room. That was all fine. We do the deed - She goes off early morning.

Later that morning when I wake up, I notice she's left her handbag. Walk it round to her room... she opens the door... wearing... the BIGGEST PAIR OF BOTTLE TOP GLASSES i've ever seen.

Northern Sold 12:00 Thu Sep 28
Re: Worst one night stand!

The Kronic 10:35 Wed Sep 27

Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!



Actually I remember another one... girl who was a bit of a limpet I let down me guard after a night down Mr B's (Southend Seafront) both of us living at home at the time so my brand new 1987 957cc Fiesta's back seat would do... only thing I got stuck in her.... for about 10 mins (seemed like an hour)... no matter how much I said her to relax she somehow had a pot of bostik down below.... the happy occasion finally ended when I got the worse cramp in my calf I have ever known and ripped myself out of the vice... so there I was rolling around in a car park clutching my calf with my trousers down by my ankles with a rather impressive hampton collecting gravel... we never saw each other after that

SecondOpinion 11:40 Thu Sep 28
Re: Worst one night stand!

I'm getting a huge STIFFIE reading all of these responses.

Keep it up boys

dazz 11:11 Thu Sep 28
Re: Worst one night stand!

was seeing this bird that i met on a one night stand for no longer than a couple of weeks .. years ago ....

anyways finished work and burned over to her flat ...as per recent conversations whilst at work i was pumped for what was in the offing...

Knocked on the door , and "wow" she was starkers in all her Glory...raring for it , she then sits me down in the living room, stands in front of me and produces a thermometer from
her Anus/Minge i dont know... and says " quick lets go for it i'm Ovulating"

So what do i do ... i felt Crook i got out of Dodge... thats what i did.... (leaving behind 2
Business suits and a couple other things i dont remember)

It didnt take me long to figure out that she was
definately pregnant with someone else's Runt and trying to pull me in for it .

Scary was that ...especially with the two very
contrasting Mood swings .

southlondonhammer 10:23 Thu Sep 28
Re: Worst one night stand!

Friday night, Cardiff, Fat bird

After the deed thought i would be a gent and drop her home in a cab.....lived in a hostel, alarm bells ringing

West Ham lose to Palace in play off final next day

up the hospital a week or so later, caught a dose


HIDEOUS

Hammer and Pickle 9:11 Thu Sep 28
Re: Worst one night stand!

I can count about four - the saddest ones were when either of the parties treated it as something more serious, and I only had one of those. She was studying Drama at Manchester and yes, looking back, totally out of my league at the time.

Westham67 6:19 Thu Sep 28
Re: Worst one night stand!

Some old slapper for the brewery tap Barking I was 17 she was 30 odd and not too bad, In her mates flat I shagged her on the kitchen floor where there was a tray of cat litter and I put my hand it whilst holding myself to give it some

Aalborg Hammer 5:31 Thu Sep 28
Re: Worst one night stand!

My mate Paul and I went camping in Cornwall ,summer of '76 (surf beads,Cheesecloth shirts,endless hot days and David Dundas singing about Blue Jeans) We had a big family sized tent which was pitched up at Mawgan Porth.We were in Newquay one night at a boozer called the King Mark and got chatting to couple of girls from Sutton Coldfield up in the Black Country - lovely lookers but sounding like Jasper Carrott.
Turns out,as luck would have it,they're on the same campsite.We all bundle into my old GPO mini van (bright yellowy orange) and after a few drinks around a campfire,Paul made his excuses and sloped off to the other tent.The girl I was with ,very pretty ,worked for Banks brewery,gave a very account of herself and we arranged to meet up the next day and go to Padstow to see the Mad Old Woman (she used to hang out of her window on the harbour and shout at the tourists)and have lunch
Paul came back from his 'night out' and wasn't too happy.Apparently she was giving him a good noshing when he put his hand down her jeans. She says " Paul,I'm on the blob at the moment but you can poke it up the shitter if you like" ..class....however,three days later,she came up with the goods with (ahem) flying colours

chim chim cha boo 2:08 Thu Sep 28
Re: Worst one night stand!

Fortunes Hiding 11:33 Wed Sep 27

'She had hairy tits'. 'Get out before you scare my kids'!

Haha!

The Kronic 11:52 Wed Sep 27
Re: Worst one night stand!

bruuuno 11:11

Yep, as the saying goes - 'don't stick your dick in crazy'. Not that I ever learn.

Fortunes Hiding 11:33 Wed Sep 27
Re: Worst one night stand!

One if my mates introduced me to a girl.

I'd never met her, all I knew was she was a pharmacist. She came to my flat, she was a big girl size 16.
I was drinking neat whisky, I gave her a couple.

She jumped in bed, shagged her, she had hairy tits.
I passed out. Woke up in the morning, I was shocked at what was lying next to me.
"Get out before you scare my kids " I told her. She got up and rushed out my flat.

Left her coat which had about fifty pound coins which is spent on beer.

Never spoke or saw her again.

bruuuno 11:11 Wed Sep 27
Re: Worst one night stand!

The Kronic 10:35 Wed Sep 27


Funny how sex brings out the mentalist in women

White Pony 11:06 Wed Sep 27
Re: Worst one night stand!

Has to be the time I pulled a fellow trainee when I worked at a pizza restaurant around 20-odd years ago. Cracking looking bird. However, she sadly had zero clue about personal hygiene and upon going back to hers and getting all worked up, I was just heading below deck when the smell of rotting fish hit my nostrils.

Page 1 - Next